Why God Why....

I am trying to finish my PhD that has taken a very very long time.  Too long that now I have an eroded hypothesis and what is worst a very eroded spirit.

I don't feel smarter.
I don't feel prepared to embrace the future and, at this point, I just feel like if a brick is going to fall from the sky, hit me in the head and crush it open.

So why finish? Hmmmm, thinking on an answer....still thinking...

This is the closest I have ever been to a marathon. I basically have to do it because it is a personal goal plus at the end of the race, in the crossing line, I have my family, friends and colleagues waiting for me, after all these years of trusting me blindly... not to say the anxious parents, brother, fiance and ex neighbors, that will kill me if I don't finish.  Yep that's why, must make it... even if I die of a heart attack the moment I cross the tortuous finish line. Notice that there is no science in my answer.

I believe that a lot of students trying to finish their dissertations feel like this... overwhelmed, on the edge, especially and easily tearful and last but not least, bitter. One of my committee members had a dose of one of my tearful days. He did not have tissue paper in his office...it was a mess but he cheered me up and that is one of the reasons I am still standing.

My husband to be (is a miracle he is still by my side) gave me the idea to start this blogger, his idea is to raise money and make you donate 5 cents every time you read this blogger, don't worry, there is no way for me to collect money.  I am doing it just to keep myself sane and also to have a record of how tortuous the whole process can be.

Hopefully when I am finished I can read and laugh at this time, while enjoying a good cup of organic coffee, in an office with hopefully sunlight and that does not have an air conditioning compressor vibrating on the celling.

Writing this dissertation has been a very frustrating and very isolating process because:
1. I am in a desperate point to finish and I rather not talk to anybody that can waist my time (don't forget that pressure is on at high max).
2. I am so grumpy and irrational to the point that is better not to be surrounded by anyone I can hurt, and I am sorry that my fiance has to put up with my grumpiness and horribleness but he is the one is the closest to me now.
3. I am not sure that more knowledge is necessarily better.  The more I get into my topic, the less people understand why do I do what I do.  They understand the question, the hypothesis, they even find it interesting and glamorous BUT I always go back to the person that brings me back reality, the wise lady who works for us and that knows me since I was 17 (I am 37 now, and she is my same age.  She always asks, so.....how are you going to work with that thing that you are studying?

With the bad economical crisis that we are experiencing I am not sure that a PhD will help me answer her question.

So the title of this blog is:

Why God Why

Why did I sign myself in for a PhD?

PS: Not doing it could have saved me seven years of my life....