:-{ 2

:-(

Hating the process, wishing I could wake up from this bad dream.

Not sure how to get there

Things that never end: Still two and a half chapters to go, this is never ending.  My waist is never ending either.
Bad news: I took two whole days to apply for my dream job, did not get it.
Good news: I finish chapter 3, sent it out for revisions. Jeff is patiently hanging on with me.  May I emphasize "patiently" - He is an angel.
My dreams for this week: a Laundry Fairy + Bathroom cleaning Fairy + Window cleaning Fairy + House Manager Fairy + good comments from my committee + lots of SEM cool pictures + a new pant that fits, yes, in that order.

Chocolate

...Lots of it... no wonder my waist is not there anymore :-{
Cannot help it though....is all the anxiety
Last Friday I think I made the most stupid question of my life to the most intelligent person that I have met here in UF :-< sometimes I wonder if I am ready to defend...probably not.
I am snappy snappy too.
Gainesville is full of smoke (on top of all the allergens), hard to concentrate and be productive, that's why chocolate is an escape.

Banging

The house is been painted and we have had a lot of banging...not a lot of place for peaceful ideas BUT you don't fall asleep. Stuck in Chapter 3. Submitted a postdoc proposal. Created a fieldtrip blogger.  A bit frustrated, I will have to teach in the summer but still have one more month so I can keep on been productive.

My family fears me...

In response to the grumpy days....almost every day in the last year

.

How can he not be in the Acknowledgement and Dedication section?

Not good

Worst weekend ever... wish I could not go to school tomorrow.

Writing club + girl in science therapy

A little of progress this week, almost done with Chapter 4, wrapping it all up.  So the great thing of this week is that a friend (super smart, funny, happy and popular :-)) organized a writing group and I am super excited because I think that is going to help me get feedback and tips to be productive and to stay mentally sane.
I shared with the girls my incentive tip of buying earrings in advance for each chapter and admiring them so I get some reason why to write.  I know is silly but it works for me. So, these are the earring for Chapter 3: Cladistic morphological analysis and Chaper 4: Phenetic analysis of species complexes - I am soooo close!

Hanging on there....

Spirits - not high: 6/10
Motivation - low: 3/10
Envisioning the future - low: 2/10
Sense of validation: 0
Hoping it finishes soon: 10/10
Source of inspiration: Jeff and my secretary, not today though, she nibbled me really hard

,

Secretary with spell check active

Secretary dictating paragraphs

Vertigo...

Yes, got that one now, how am I going to do it?

Two terrible days

Worked a lot, progressing, hating this stage, I have turned into a horrible person...grumpy the whole day.

Water damage

Don't cry on top of your laptop, especially the mouse, tears=water damaged and this stupid mouse keeps on jumping and acting like an exorcised thing.  No tears cost a thousand dollars to replace any computer.
Yes, learnt it the hard way.

Keep on going...

Today is Sunday, I woke up to work and I am still working. On Saturday I worked until 1:30, Jeff picked me up and he will not let me work until too late so I can be productive the next day.  I go to sleep and think about stuff, dissertation stuff, the future, I tossed and turned thinking and I think, yesterday I felt asleep around 3 or 4. The pine pollen is killing me! Like if the dissertation wasn't enough.
On Friday, Jeff picked me up from school at 10, we went to have dinner at our local fave place where we met Grant, he had to fix my hair before going in, I think my hair looked terrible....probably I was looking terrible too.  I try every day to take a shower, combine my outfit, change earrings and accessories, put lipstick and perfume and I still feel that I look terrible.....Anyhow, for the first day after I got sick I had a whole beer that of course made me really drunk and for the first time I was funny, happy and I was able to go to sleep just after I arrived home. Men....how do I miss those times.
Yesterday I had so much anxiety that for dinner at work I ate a bag of cookies (chocolate macadamia chunk) with my left over eggy breakfast croissant and Pepsi, I know, I am the healthy diva, today I feel horrible! 
I will keep on working. Need to recover my life!  of course if I survive this in one piece.

Not much today

Yes, I have not done much today, polishing the introduction, making graphs...progressing slowly....killing me softly (like the song)....need to go to the field to get some inspiration...
Cannot sleep without one hour of trying to calm down and have positive instead of horrible negative thoughts.

One more day gone....

Introduction so far 8 pages, not sure if my style of writing is to colloquial.  Feel sick, allergies are starting to kick, pine pollen, grumpy, overwhelmed.  Wish people be kinder and will not interrupt. Yes...I am grumpy, as grumpy as I get, anxious and really hungry.

Freaking out

Today I saw my friend Santiago, he told me that the first draft has to be in by the 20 instead of the 26th plus I should have defended by March the 19th if I want to graduate this spring.
I am not sure if I can do it now, I am sooooo freaking out.
I have turned in to a horrible person, I hate to talk to people that come into my office, I hate it when people are taking about irrelevant things, and worst of all, I hate to be like this.
Yesterday night I went to try to sleep at 2 am and I could not fall asleep until 3 or more thinking in all the ball of things that are going to run me over.  I woke up in a bad mood, yes, nothing very new....let's say in an even worst mood, I could not talk the whole day to my "domestic partner" who is the most sweet person in the world.
I am so nervous that I am eating more than I need...chocolate, hot cocoa, I even ate my professor's potato chips.

 (My professor and the replaced potato chips)

Hate to write the dissertation.....Tomorrow is yoga night, I hope that I can find some perspective and be a better, less grumpy person.
At this point in my life I am happy I don't have a dog nor a kid.

Why God Why....

I am trying to finish my PhD that has taken a very very long time.  Too long that now I have an eroded hypothesis and what is worst a very eroded spirit.

I don't feel smarter.
I don't feel prepared to embrace the future and, at this point, I just feel like if a brick is going to fall from the sky, hit me in the head and crush it open.

So why finish? Hmmmm, thinking on an answer....still thinking...

This is the closest I have ever been to a marathon. I basically have to do it because it is a personal goal plus at the end of the race, in the crossing line, I have my family, friends and colleagues waiting for me, after all these years of trusting me blindly... not to say the anxious parents, brother, fiance and ex neighbors, that will kill me if I don't finish.  Yep that's why, must make it... even if I die of a heart attack the moment I cross the tortuous finish line. Notice that there is no science in my answer.

I believe that a lot of students trying to finish their dissertations feel like this... overwhelmed, on the edge, especially and easily tearful and last but not least, bitter. One of my committee members had a dose of one of my tearful days. He did not have tissue paper in his office...it was a mess but he cheered me up and that is one of the reasons I am still standing.

My husband to be (is a miracle he is still by my side) gave me the idea to start this blogger, his idea is to raise money and make you donate 5 cents every time you read this blogger, don't worry, there is no way for me to collect money.  I am doing it just to keep myself sane and also to have a record of how tortuous the whole process can be.

Hopefully when I am finished I can read and laugh at this time, while enjoying a good cup of organic coffee, in an office with hopefully sunlight and that does not have an air conditioning compressor vibrating on the celling.

Writing this dissertation has been a very frustrating and very isolating process because:
1. I am in a desperate point to finish and I rather not talk to anybody that can waist my time (don't forget that pressure is on at high max).
2. I am so grumpy and irrational to the point that is better not to be surrounded by anyone I can hurt, and I am sorry that my fiance has to put up with my grumpiness and horribleness but he is the one is the closest to me now.
3. I am not sure that more knowledge is necessarily better.  The more I get into my topic, the less people understand why do I do what I do.  They understand the question, the hypothesis, they even find it interesting and glamorous BUT I always go back to the person that brings me back reality, the wise lady who works for us and that knows me since I was 17 (I am 37 now, and she is my same age.  She always asks, so.....how are you going to work with that thing that you are studying?

With the bad economical crisis that we are experiencing I am not sure that a PhD will help me answer her question.

So the title of this blog is:

Why God Why

Why did I sign myself in for a PhD?

PS: Not doing it could have saved me seven years of my life....